I don't see old...

I know I was going to start writing about the fifty wonderful thing in my life... but I'm taking a detour today because Rainee saide the most precious thing last night to me...

We were just about to read our books for the night and she wanted to know why it was getting so cold.... and I said winter was coming... which as Christmas, snow, Thanksgiving, being good for Santa and mommies birthday... All the while I was telling her what winter held, she was happy and smiley, but when I mentioned my birthday... she got really sad... and I asked her what was wrong... and she started drawing in the air... and I tried guessing what she was so sad about... then she finally just said...

"Mommy I don't want to you have a birthday, because you're going to be old, I don't want you to be old!" And she nearly started to cry... then I asked her, "Do I look old to you?" and she said the most precious thing....as she put her hand to her face to make little glasses...

"I don't see old."... she did this several times by getting really close up to my face and saying over and over.... "Mommy, I really don't see old."

So I asked her what old is... and she said, "Papa is old but you mommy, you're not old... I don't see old." When she said this it filled my heart with so much love... she is so precious... it's amazing what we see and what a child sees.... I may feel older and I may even see older in the mirror... but Rainee only sees her mommy. She doesn't see old in me. I'm still overwhelmed with the words she spoke.

What a wonderful way to wake up... remembering what my daughter sees.... she only sees her mommy!

It just around the corner now...

 I wanted to start this yesterday... but like everything else in my life I procrasitanted... I forgot... whatever the reason I didn't do it.... but today is here, and so I am I... at almost 50.

I haven't had a hard time with a birthday since I was 25... guess I'm due, right. Ever since I was 25, a birthday didn't matter... I was just happy with my life. Some of my choices weren't always the best... but I've had a good life... so why am I now having a hard time with turning 50???

One reason, every time I look at myself in the mirror I see a happy, wife and mother.... although I am unhappy with my weight... and how hard it's been to lose it since I've had my daughter at 44... but mostly when I see pictures of myself... I get depressed... I see how very old I am looking... it's funny how different I see myself in the mirror and what pictures show... ugh...

I don't want to be one of those old looking mom's... who people mistake for my daughter's  grandmother... and it embarrasses her. I don't want to be vain... I don't want to be one of those 50 year old women who wear clothes that are too young for them (I saw one of those yesterday... wow, what a shocker... sad really). I don't want to keep thinking I wish... I wish I was 30... I wish I could have another chance... I wish I could have more children...

I want to stop regretting the little things... I don't want to stop the wishing... so instead, I've decided to grab the bull by the horn... and start this blog... start looking at what I have.... at nearly 50... and appreciate it... enjoy what I have.... I guess my thinking is if I do this blog, it may help me get over the number in the 30-ish days...

That's it for today... tomorrow I'll start puting down my fifty things that makes my life special... if only to me...